I'm going to be honest. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. It's mostly my fault, because I choose to stay up until 1am watching Scandal on Netflix. I also don't have to work outside the home, but I choose to do so because I enjoy photography. Life quickly becomes crazy without a little self discipline, which I used to have ample amounts of. I'm not sure what happened, but somewhere between high school and motherhood I lost my desire to rise early, to exercise, and even to change out of my pajamas into normal clothing on a daily basis if I didn't have to. That's kind of embarrassing to admit, probably because I'm a proud person.
I received an email requesting that Finley come to the final casting call for the 2014 Gap Holiday Campaign in NYC next week. Do I want to go? YES. Is it a good idea for me to go? NO.
I'm really struggling with the decision not to go. Some of you might know that I took Finley to a few casting calls in NYC for another Baby Gap campaign several months ago, and he wasn't selected. I was upset, and then I fully moved on. I haven't given it a thought since! Why now, I have to wonder? Why in the midst of even the everyday tasks of life being overwhelming am I presented with a second chance, an opportunity to pursue something desirable and entirely unnecessary? I have a feeling it has a lot to do with my expressed desire to learn self discipline and better prioritizing skills. This is where I have to choose between talk and action, and it's not easy.
Am I being too honest? Sometimes I hesitate to be honest because I take my job as a photographer very seriously. So seriously that I'd rather smile and pretend to be fine than have anyone doubt that I will do less than my best work. Clients, I prioritize you, probably above my family, which is why I'm slowing taking steps back from photography, especially as Joey and I consider having more children.
I haven't posted in a while and I just wanted to write something, letting you know that I'm still here, that I'm still working hard, and that I'm still human. I'm just feeling especially human today.