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Tierney Cyanne Photography

June 18, 2014

A Personal Post | Tired

by Tierney Johnson in Personal

I'm going to be honest. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. It's mostly my fault, because I choose to stay up until 1am watching Scandal on Netflix. I also don't have to work outside the home, but I choose to do so because I enjoy photography. Life quickly becomes crazy without a little self discipline, which I used to have ample amounts of. I'm not sure what happened, but somewhere between high school and motherhood I lost my desire to rise early, to exercise, and even to change out of my pajamas into normal clothing on a daily basis if I didn't have to. That's kind of embarrassing to admit, probably because I'm a proud person. 

I received an email requesting that Finley come to the final casting call for the 2014 Gap Holiday Campaign in NYC next week. Do I want to go? YES. Is it a good idea for me to go? NO.

I'm really struggling with the decision not to go. Some of you might know that I took Finley to a few casting calls in NYC for another Baby Gap campaign several months ago, and he wasn't selected. I was upset, and then I fully moved on. I haven't given it a thought since! Why now, I have to wonder? Why in the midst of even the everyday tasks of life being overwhelming am I presented with a second chance, an opportunity to pursue something desirable and entirely unnecessary? I have a feeling it has a lot to do with my expressed desire to learn self discipline and better prioritizing skills. This is where I have to choose between talk and action, and it's not easy.

Am I being too honest? Sometimes I hesitate to be honest because I take my job as a photographer very seriously. So seriously that I'd rather smile and pretend to be fine than have anyone doubt that I will do less than my best work. Clients, I prioritize you, probably above my family, which is why I'm slowing taking steps back from photography, especially as Joey and I consider having more children.

I haven't posted in a while and I just wanted to write something, letting you know that I'm still here, that I'm still working hard, and that I'm still human. I'm just feeling especially human today. 

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I love being a woman. I always have. In my own life I feel so EMPOWERED when I learn about things that are unique to me as a woman. One example? Periods! Menstrual cycles! They are SO. MUCH. MORE. then bleeding for a week every month, give or take. Most parents know you can’t even go into the bathroom without your kids tagging alone, and I take this as an opportunity to teach my kids about periods and womankind. It’s kind of hard to hide when I have my period and honestly I’d rather my kids not think it’s poop instead of blood (true story 😂). I don’t want my boys growing up thinking periods are a “lady problem” and I don’t want my daughter growing up freaked out and confused about changes in mucus and moods and such. We all depend on each other and live alongside each other, male and female, and to see us mutually respected is such a beautiful thing. I’ve even had the chance to educate my medical-professional husband as I share what I learn about how a woman’s hormones are in a near constant, intentional state of flux as we move through our cycles. It’s fascinating (although sometimes annoying, especially when things aren’t working well) and our cycles can give us a ton of insight into how well our body is functioning. One of my favorite resources for this is @drjolenebrighten. She has a few books, a blog, an email newsletter, and many other resources that have really helped me learn that I don’t have to suffer needlessly with period problems and that being a woman, in all our complexity, is a GIFT! If you have an empowering educational resource, share it for me (us) below!!! #astoldbytierney
Tried to do our annual peony flower crown photo shoot sans “real” camera on ancient iPhone with very, very, VERY uninterested toddler. 😬🤪 #gretasgram
2, 4, 6, 8! Who do we appreciate?! (Not mom and her request for a photo!) Since my kids are 2, 4, and 6 I’ve been dying to use that chant. 😂🙋🏻‍♀️ #ourlittlejohnsonthree
Tried to take a cute photo of Greta. She kept sticking a corn on the cob toy into her mouth. Soooo this one goes out to all my people- the ones whose kids also stick corn on the cobs into their mouths instead of taking the normal photos you had in mind. 🙃 #gretasgram
Hey! Just wanted to post so y’all know I’m still alive and well, if anyone was worried. 😜 I’m still planning on staying off social media, but I did want to share a few things I’ve come to accept while on my hiatus (ALSO MY PEONIES ARE BLOOMING). 1️⃣ You don’t need to be friends with everyone. 2️⃣ Don’t read the comments. I learned this while watching Ralph Breaks the Internet and PEOPLE, it is such a good rule to live by. 3️⃣ If you’re losing your faith in humanity, it likely isn’t going to be restored with social media as a major influence in your life. That is all for now. If you need me, TEXT ME or email me because I really won’t be on here! 💕
I want to model for my kids how to have a healthy relationship with social media. I’m neither strictly for nor against it, but in my own life there have been clear seasons in which it’s been a good and useful thing and seasons in which it’s been better for me to walk away for a bit. I’ve probably mentioned this before but I have social anxiety of sorts that’s very directly linked to my having OCD (obsessive cycles of thoughts, anyone?) and sometimes social media is nottt my friend. It’s time for me to take a break. I don’t like leaving without giving warning, there are some of you I only have contact with on here and I’m always torn about leaving because of you. I’m not sure when I’ll be back, I generally come back after a few months but the rule is that I wait until I’m good and ready. With all the studies that have come out lately directly relating social media to negative mental heath consequences, you bet I’ve taken note! Friends, your social media persona is not your identity. It took me long enough to figure this out and even now I have the freedom to come and go because I know I am so much more than what other people think of, say, or assume about me. In Jesus, I am so much more than what even I think of, say, or assume about me. My son came home with an assignment from public school the other day that asked, “What is worth more to you than gold?” After I deciphered his spelling and handwriting I realized he had written, “God is worth more than gold.” Life lessons taught by a 5-year-old. Lessons I hope he carries through his whole life. Lessons I hope I carry, too. 💕
Kind of an irrelevant picture but I have some exciting updates. Greta has officially been discharged from Early Intervention- I’m really glad we had the opportunity to learn about the program firsthand and I’m thankful Greta’s issues were minor and have resolved. Her therapist was the BEST and I’m going to force her to be my friend now. Also, I’m done with therapy myself, in the sense that I don’t feel that I *have* to go every week or I might not make it. Which is a BIG DEAL! I’m just going on an as-needed basis now, or a few times a year to touch base. So much progress and change, I’m so happy for Greta and I to be moving on even though I have so much gratitude to those kind souls who helped sustain and teach us through our journeys. 💕 #gretasgram #postpartumdepressionsurvivor #earlyintervention
Trying to take pictures of this chicken is HARD! I tried bribing her with a Hershey’s kiss cut into 35 pieces but it didn’t work. I guess the lesson is that at this stage and probably at any stage a good photographer observes and captures instead of finding cooperative subjects to meticulously pose. 🙈 That said, HOW CUTE IS THIS DRESS by @canvas_house_designs?! 😍 #gretasgram
You know I like to keep it real, so swipe for a video of what is a more accurate portrayal of basically my life. And probably your life, too. 🙃 #gretasgram
The many interpretations of, “Greta, smile!” Swipe to see, the first one to the right is my fav. 😁 #gretasgram
I’ve been quiet(er) lately. I’ve been working through a lot. Anxiety manifests as anger for me. I’ve been mad a lot and unfortunately the ones who have to deal with my lowered patience level are the ones who least deserve it- my kids and husband. Which adds to my anger. It’s like a vicious, angry cycle that’s hard to break. I get angry at the things I feel powerless to change. The injustice I see in the world. I get angry at myself because I feel so deeply. I get angry that I’m angry at the people I perceive to be supporting injustice. I get angry that I’m misunderstood. (LOTS OF ANGER, PEOPLE). I just pray it has a place. I try to trust that this anger will be used for good. That it will spark me into action. Lord knows I’ve been praying a lot more because at some point there’s really nothing else you can do but surrender and trust that the Lord is sovereign and is never defeated, is never done working, even when things have never seemed darker. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9) Also this photo does not represent the mood of this post. I’m aware and apologize if it confuses you. 🙃 #standuptony
Someone woke up with the ultimate bedhead thanks to the puddle of puke she slept on. 😧 Then I gave her a bath and she pooped in the tub and was absolutely HORRIFIED when she saw it floating in the water and screamed for a solid 20 minutes. 🙈💩 #childhoodsbedhead #gretasgram
She still seems so little to me because I don’t have a baby due in a few months! But at the same time she’s wearing a size 2 shirt here and suddenly her shoes are too tight and she’s sooooooooooo sweet that it makes me think, “Stay little!” I’ve never been one for dealing with change but learning to accept the seasons of life is a lesson that will always be useful. #gretasgram #twentymonths #soorploom #wunderkindred
When you walk by @chippywhitetable, stopping for a photo is necessary. 😉 #gretasgram
One of the worst parts of mental illness is how it robs you of your identity. For so long I felt so lost. I literally felt like I had no idea who I was or where I was headed. It’s still hard to talk about without crying because it’s still all so fresh but I finally feel like I’m “better.” Not fully- it’s kind of like I’ll always be “in recovery” but not out of the woods- and I’m okay with that. Today I wondered, “Am I unsure of myself?” And my answer back to myself was, “No. You just take a while to make up your mind because you don’t like to make mistakes.” The fact that I came to that conclusion so quickly and firmly really shows that I’ve come leaps and bounds. If you’re in a season of floundering, you are not alone. People might not be able to take the pain away, but they can help you survive. Things CAN get better, and I am proof of that. 💕

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