I've been absent from my blog lately. I have so much I would love to be writing about, and I've started several posts that just haven't gotten finished. It's not my desire to write a Non-Toxic Tuesday post that's two sentences long. "I don't buy CFL or LED light bulbs. I buy halogen incandescents." I want to explain why, and make sure I do so in a way that is thorough and understandable and well-sourced so that those reading can do something with the information. Remember it, share it, be inspired by it, act upon it.
The reality is that I don't have the time or brainpower. I sit down to work for a few minutes, even (rarely) a few hours, and I hardly make any progress. I do not work quickly. Time constraints make me panic. It literally takes me hours to figure out how to phrase something, or to figure out if I'm using a credible source, or to find the answer to a question it seems like I'm the only one asking. And when I finally make some progress or get into the zone, one of my kids asks for food and the other one starts crying because it's nap time and just like that, the moment is gone and my brain is in a different mode and I've got another half-finished Non-Toxic Tuesday post. Or maybe the same post I've been working on for months. And I don't lay my work aside happily, joyful for the opportunity to care for my children. There is a lot of heavy sighing and angry mutterings of "I don't know why I even bother" as I fumble in my mind for someone or something to blame. I feel like a failure. I don't feel like I'm being a good mom and I'm certainly not making progress as anything else.
My whole life feels like this at the moment. I don't think I'm good at any of the roles I play. I'm pulled around from task to task. I rarely feel satisfied and even when I do, it doesn't last.
If motherhood was like a job, I would probably quit. Admitting that makes me realize that I like to blame all my problems on motherhood, on my circumstances, when I know I would have these problems regardless of whether I was a mom or not.
But I can't quit motherhood. Or I won't quit. I guess I technically can "quit" but that's not what I'm going to do. And there's something about that fact, that I'm stuck with this and I've got to deal with it and figure it out, whatever that entails, that's both infuriating and beautiful. Motherhood has been the single most sanctifying experience of my life. And I'm thankful. Don't get me wrong, I'm also irritated because I feel like I'm floundering and have been for a while and I'm siiick of it, but I'm also tired of finding temporary relief by immersing myself in something that doesn't actually fix anything. When you're a mom you're forced to continue taking care of others whether you want to or not. You can't really distract yourself from the real issue (a selfish heart) by quitting or running away from it all.
There will always be ups and downs in life. I know this for sure. I'll always be human this side of heaven and I'd be foolish to think there's a quick or one-time fix for all my issues. Today, I wait. Maybe in writing this I've been given the hope I need to endure. Hope that something can change, than I can be changed, that there's satisfaction and purpose to be found, that I am not defined by my circumstances or bound by my humanity because someone greater than all of this loves me.
Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act...